Availeth Joy: Neonatal Intensive Care Unit

November 21, 2011
If you haven't read Avey's birth story you can read it here.
Today we had a little girl. When we arrived at the hospital we were immediately hooked up to fetal monitoring and shortly thereafter were told that Avey was having some pretty massive heart decells. The hospital staff wasted no time. We were in and out of the OR within the hour. A few weeks before I went into labor I noticed decreased fetal movement but I thought that it was because sister was growing and because she was bigger she wasn't able to move around as much. I googled it and other mothers noted that they had decreased fetal movements in the last few months of pregnancy so I didn't think much of it.


I had a friend who went to the ER multiple times during her pregnancy for decreased fetal movement and it never amounted to anything. It was my greatest concern that I would be a bother. I didn't want to be that girl but looking back I wish I had been.





When Avey was born she was swimming in a big pile of meconium (a baby's first bowel movement) they theorized that she'd been in it for quite some time. Her umbilical cord was  stained dark green. The doctor said that she was stressed because my placenta was not functioning like it should have. It had weird purple, rubbery, lesions on it. The doctor said that it looked like swirls or waves. After 20 years in the medical field she had never seen anything like it.


During Avey's birth I remember her commenting "The placenta looks old." After having the placenta sent to the pathologist's lab they still were unable to determine what happened exactly. One thing is for sure-- sister was not getting the nutrition she needed. Which was why she was so small. 5 lbs 1 oz and term.


"They took Avey to the nicu because her blood sugar and temperature is low. I only got to see her for ten minutes today."


November 22, 2011
Brady and I received a phone call from the nicu this morning saying that I could try to give Avey a bottle for her 9am feeding if we made it down to the nicu in time. My nurse almost didn't let me go. They had just removed my epidural and my legs were still a little numb. It was hard to stand up and make it to the wheel chair but I was determined. I hadn't seen Avey in 18 hours.





We only stayed in the nicu for a short amount of time because my nurse told me not to overdue it. They told me I could come back for every feeding if I'd like to. 3,6,9,12. Avey's blood sugar and temperature are still low. They gave her an IV to boost her sugars. I just hope we can take her home when we leave Thursday. I might beg them to let me stay till Friday if they don't let her come home Thursday.


Avey had her first bath today. She is so beautiful and her little cry is so funny!


"I have the most incredible husband in the world. Can not believe how well he takes care of me. Avey Williams is blessed to have such a loving Daddy."




November 23, 2011
8:42am-- Things are looking good! They told us we may have be able to have in her in our room as early as tonight! "Thank you everyone for your kind and encouraging words. I am feeling much better and I'm getting around really well. Still very sore but the incision is healing well. Avey is a champ. Her blood sugar has been perfect for the last 24 hours and she is maintaining her body temp all by herself. We are so in love."






5:12pm-- Received some pretty devastating news. Aveys platelet count is very low. They never mentioned it. I guess they've been keeping an eye on it all this time. I was shocked when pediatrics told us that they were going to have to give her a transfusion. This isn't fair. They said that sometimes when two people who have different platelet types have a baby the baby inherits the dominant platelets, which sometimes belong to the Father. If the baby's platelets are different than the mothers than after 
birth the body attacks the foreign  platelets.


If this is what had happened it could take up to two weeks for her body to get rid of my platelets. I feel like this is all my fault.  




"Keep praying. Baby girl is having a platelet transfusion. She'll probably be in the NICU for awhile."




November 24, 2011
Happy first Thanksgiving baby girl!






"Meet Availeth Joy Williams. This is right after her feeding tube came out so she still has tape on her chin. The nurse was rushing to get the tube back in so the video is a little shaky. Baby girl is so brave. She is doing so well in the NICU."













I was overjoyed when they took the tubes out of her nose and put her under a humidity hood. No more stuffy nose for baby Avey!


Still no improvement in her platelet levels. Doctors still don't know what is causing this. 







November 25, 2011
Four days old and she is so alert! They were able to remove her feeding tube today she is eating all by herself now. All we are waiting on now is her platelet count which still remains very low. The doctors are a little baffled.









November 26, 2011
The doctors no longer believe that Avey and I have different platelet types. If we did the IV IG would have fixed the problem. They don't know what is causing this. 


I was discharged today. We stayed at the hospital in the nicu all day. I refused to go home. Around 8pm we went to Target to pick up a couple things. I broke down in the parking lot. I sat in the passenger side of Brady's truck and cried because things are so different then I thought they'd be. I am not supposed to leave the hospital without my full term baby. 


I wasn't suposed to have a c-section. 


I wasn't suposed to have to ask for permission to hold my baby and change her diaper. People were supposed to ask me. I'm jealous of the nurses that get to love on her all day. I'm jealous that they get to spend all night with her while I am sent home. This is not how things are supposed to be. 


10:26am-- "Availeth is off her humidity hood, feeding tube, and everything that was wrong is perfect now except for her platelet levels, that even though she had a transfusion and IV IG, continue to drop. Please keep praying. Brady and I left the hospital at 10 last night. Pumping and feedings are keeping us busy. I am at peace and on a mission. Baby girls gonna get better."






November 27, 2011
5:14pm--"Ok. So. Here's the deal. After another transfusion yesterday Avey's platelets are at 121. Great! Now. They are going to test her again tomorrow. If the count goes up... she comes home! :) If the count stays the same... she stays till she normalizes. :/ If the count goes down... they transfer her to Medical City. :( Prayers are being answered. She is doing so much better. believe with us and for us that our little girl is healed and coming home tomorrow!"

November 28, 2011
7:39am--"Happy One Week Birthday Baby Girl!!! We will be celebrating one week of life at Baylor Frisco. Her levels stayed the same. I am a happy momma."

November 29, 2011

7:15am--"Prayers have been answered! Avey is coming home today! On her due date!"

Avey's favorite nurse!

Her going home outfit was 2385713745 times too big!

Such a proud papa!

Putting the car seat class we took to good use!

The most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Hmmm... I wonder where I'm going?

We were so excited to get her home! I video taped the walk from the nicu to the car. 

I'm home!

small.

make believe.
When I was a teenager I used to imagine all the time what it would be like when I was a Mom. I would make up and play out these scenarios in my mind. I would talk to an empty room like I was talking to my child and I'd hug my pillow close and pretend I was snuggling with my toddler.

Driving home from work I'd make believe that I was married and with every song that played on the radio I'd create a music video of our love story in my mind. I'd imagine running into past boyfriends in a hotel or an airport somewhere and I'd give a spontaneous "look at me now" speech to the steering wheel. They'd always ask me to coffee and I'd politely decline. I'm married. I'm a mother. I've moved on.

I used to make believe a lot.

And though I haven't run into any past boyfriends lately I have finally cast two of the major rolls in my make believe world. And it's not pretend at all. Though sometimes it feels like a dream. Life is much too sweet--my new baby much too precious... sometimes I hold my breath because I know that if I let go of that breath at that exact moment I'll wake up and I'll be in my room, in my parents house, holding a pillow and talking to the wall. Because life is so much better than I ever imagined and sometimes it's just too good to be true.

To all the girls out there that talk to your steering wheels... reality is coming and it's so much better than anything you could have ever made up.

small.
Eleven weeks ago I had a baby. I was in shock when they told me she was 5 lbs 1 oz--not because she was tiny but because an hour before I was all set for a natural labor. I did not expect to be in the O.R. for her birth-- I did not expect it when they told me that I was a Mom and I heard her for the first time --all squawky bird cry and fire.

Then.

I didn't expect her to be ripped away from us so quickly. About 8 minutes after she was born they laid her on my chest for two minutes. It was the first time I got to see her... smell her... talk to her. When I was in recovery they let me hold her for another two mintues before taking her to the NICU. We did skin to skin, I got to see her hair, I was able to feel her move.

Then after spending two hours in recovery they took us to the NICU. We were allowed to look at her but we weren't allowed to hold her. Another two minutes. It was only about 3pm then. I didn't see her again until 9:30am the next morning.

Now.

That night was one of the most horrible nights of my life. I didn't feel like we had a baby. I certainly did not feel like a mother. I had held her for a total of six minutes. I didn't feel like I had ever been pregnant. I didn't get to count her fingers or her toes. I didn't know if she had any birth marks. For all I knew she was just one big floating head because that is the only part of her I had seen. If I'm being honest I didn't even remember what she looked like. Brady's parents came and I cried as I told them the story. Brady's Mom was so nice to me. She was sympathetic. She'd seen tragedy and uncertainty too.

Those moments were some of the lowest moments of my life so far. I remember wishing that  Brady and I could just leave and never come back. I wanted to run far away because knowing that I had a child hours before that I could not see and could not touch was too much to bear. It was easier to pretend that it never happened.

It bonded Brady and I in an irrefutable way.

Joy comes with the morning. The next day we were able to visit her briefly and I began to bond. She was so small. She was so unexpected. She was better than anything I could have ever imagined. Running away was no longer an option.

einstein. 
Part of our morning routine is watching Baby Einstein. It captives Avey and frees me up to fold laundry, do dishes, etc.

I think our nicu stay is part of the reason why we spend most of our days in bed cuddling. I'm trying to make up for those first 8 days. Those terrible 8 days where she taken and kept away from me. I know she doesn't remember it but I do. These weeks have been part of much needing healing time. Broken expectations are hard to get over.

evenings. 
This is how we spend our evenings. The three of us wrapped up together on the couch. We watch movies and eat ice cream and soak in the awesomeness that is our life.

superbowl.
Avey's first superbowl was a success.

She tried so hard not to fall asleep... maybe she'll make it through the next one.

Availeth Joy: A Birth Story

"8 days. 39 weeks pregnant tomorrow and if this isn't labor then shoot me because.... ouch!"--My FB status update. Nov. 21, 2011

One month ago today, November 21, 2011-- at 4am in the morning, I knew that it was time to have a baby! I started contracting around 9pm the night before. I got out my watch and began to time.

They started out far apart. 12 minutes. 11 minutes. 15 minutes. But by 4am we were at 7 minutes apart lasting about a minute a piece and I was convinced that I was in labor. My Grandma (a retired labor and delivery nurse) came over and checked my cervix. I was dilated to a 2. She told us it would be awhile yet and Brady decided to go to work. I called my mom and she agreed to come over and walk with me.

She showed up around 7am. I decided to go back to bed to try and get a little rest but after trying to sleep for an hour I decided that it just wasn't gonna happen. The contractions were a little bit more painful than before and rest was making them worse it seemed. We headed to the mall at 9am because it was too cold to walk outside. My contractions were about 5 minutes apart when we got to the mall and started doing laps.

It wasn't soon after we got to the mall that my stomach started to growl. My mom (a nicu nurse) told me I could spilt a pretzel with her-- she didn't think it was wise to eat a big meal while I was laboring. I agreed and we made a pit stop at the bathroom before we got our pretzel.

That pit stop changed everything. While in the bathroom I realized I was bleeding a little abnormally and we decided it was best to go to the hospital. I called my Grandma and told her that I would keep her updated. I called Brady and after a short talk we decided it would be best if he left work and met us there. Even though it could have still been hours before we saw a baby. --I am so glad that we made that decision.

We were admitted at 11:46am. I was taken into a room where I undressed and put a hospital gown on. I was sure that they were going to send me home. So sure that I left my bags and my camera in the car. The l&d nurse was young, beautiful and friendly. She asked me a million questions.

Brady arrived.

The nurse strapped on fetal monitoring, took my blood pressure and put me on oxygen. She told me that Avey's heart was decelling after every contraction and that it wasn't recovering.

She flipped me over on my side and told me to take deep breaths. I did. It didn't help. I stayed positive after all only 4% of women actually have something go wrong in labor. Only 4% of women actually have to have emergency c-sections. The odds were in my favor.

They put in a IV.

"Do I really need that?" I asked. I wanted to have a natural labor so bad. Brady and I had spent 8 months researching and preparing. I spent weeks making us a custom birth plan. I didn't want an IV.

"Yes."

They kept me so busy signing papers and answering questions that I didn't have a chance to worry until they told me they wanted to break my water and insert some internal fetal monitoring into the top of my baby's head.

"Wont it hurt her?"

"No. Not at all. It's whats best."

It wasn't the natural birth we had planned but they gave me no other option. I was a little bewildered and definitely confused. They told me that the anesthesiologist was going to come in so that I could sign papers saying that if I needed to have a c-section he could give me the proper medication. I told them that I didn't want a c-section they told me it was just a precaution. Just in case...

They drew blood. They monitored the baby. I never even had a chance to talk to Brady.

Shortly after being told they were going to break my water my OB made her first appearance on the scene. She asked me how I was doing. I told her that I was okay.

She dropped the bomb. She informed us that she wasn't going to bother breaking my water. Avey was in distress. She was not tolerating the contractions at all... the only option was a c-section.

My heart shattered to pieces. You could hear it in the sobs that arrived with the news. After months of research-- dreams of having a completely natural labor were crushed with two words. Brady was upset. We still weren't convinced that it wasn't some ploy my OB came up with to get us delivered by lunch.

The poor anesthesiologist (a man) stood there, holding the papers I needed to sign, telling me he could give me a minute. I just wanted it to be over so I signed the papers through my tears.

"Can my mom come?" I asked.

"No. Just Brady. I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"Do I have time to run out and grab her camera?" My mom asked.

"Hurry." My mom said later that it was then that she knew Avey was in big trouble. She ran all the way to the car and all the way back. 

I stopped crying as the numbness started to set in. I can't quite explain what I was feeling. Shock? Sadness? Disappointment? We had done the research on what a c-section would mean for subsequent pregnancies. C-section had become such a bad word in our vocabulary. I was terrified.

I hadn't even bothered to research them seriously. That is how far out of the realm of possibility it was.

As Brady suited up I dotted the i's and crossed the t's. Then they wheeled us back into the OR. I started crying again. I wasn't supposed to deliver in an OR. I had her birth song picked out. It was going to play as she was delivered. What about the massage oil and the request for a dimly lit atmosphere? What about the birth classes we took that taught us how to breathe through contractions and focus?

What about our plan?

I was freezing, sobbing, broken, and literally naked before everyone in the OR. It was awful.

The epidural was the worst part and then the shakes. Brady stayed glued to my side the entire time. Running his fingers through my hair. Whispering secrets into my ears. Being encouraging even though I saw his eyes glistening with the same tears mine were crying. One of us had to stay strong.

"Meconium." The doctor said. "It's like a swamp in here. Poor thing."

"Wow. She's tiny. Smaller than I thought."

Then I heard her little bird cry. Little one squawked like a pro the moment she made her debut. And just like that my life was changed.

I didn't get to hold her at first or see her but her little birdy cry let me know she was okay and that things, somehow, were going to be just fine.

When I saw her for the first time I was still a little  disoriented. It was nothing like I excepted. There was no grand moment where I burst into tears and an overwhelming feeling of love washed over me. I was still confused. Still sad. Still disappointed.

They let me see her for two minutes. I know because the nurse videoed the entire time. Then they took her away and said that I could have her back when I went to recovery.

She was born at 12:54pm. 1 hour and 8 minutes after we were admitted.

They wheeled me into recovery and a nurse followed us cradling Avey. She was feeding her a bottle of formula. My hear broke again. They explained to me that her blood sugar was low and that they were trying to get it up.

I told the nurse that it was okay but on the inside I was crying. I wanted to breastfeed so bad. They didn't even give me a chance. The nurse told us that her temperature was a little low as well and that after she gave her the bottle we could do some kangaroo care.

I was shaking so bad I didn't think that I could warm her up when I was still so cold. The nurse told me that it was because of the medication they gave me.

"Everyone shakes."



I got to hold Avey on my chest for 5 minutes-- maybe. I tried to get her to nurse. She was tired and full from the bottle. The nurse took her temp again and told us that they were going to take Avey to the nicu but I could come see her as soon as I was out of recovery.



"Okay." I said. It was like a dream.

Brady took care of me. He kept requesting more warm blankets because I kept insisting that I was cold. He didn't leave my side even though he could have gone with her to the nicu. He kept telling me that his place was with me. That I was his number one priority even though he hadn't even held his little girl yet.

"Baby girl was born at 12:54pm. Weighing in at a whopping 5lbs 1 oz! She is 18 inches long and has lots of beautiful dark hair. We've only been able to see her twice since delivery and Brady hasn't been able to hold her yet. She is having some blood sugar issues and she wasn't getting warm enough so they whisked her away to the NICU. Please pray because I'm having a really rough time. I just want to be able to hold her and have her near me." --My FB status update. Nov. 21, 2011

We spent three hours in recovery and on the way to my postpartum room we swung by the nicu. Where one of the nurses was kind enough to snap a family photo in the 3 minutes we got to spend with her.

That first night was so hard. I stayed busy with pumping but I kept bursting into tears. I kept telling Brady that I just wanted her to be in the room with us. That it wasn't fair that I only got to see her for ten minutes the day she was born. That she was a full term baby. She shouldn't be in the nicu.

A lot of things didn't go according to plan this month. Her birth. Her nicu stay. My recovery. But we lived our way through it.

Brady and I have grown closer than we've ever been before. I don't think you go through something so traumatizing with a person and come out unchanged... unbonded. The way he loves me... it's a crazy kind of love. A love I didn't even know existed until he came along.

Avey has become the highlight of our little world. She makes us laugh and coo like idiots. I didn't know a love like this existed until she came along. It's a crazy kind of love.

This month has been the hardest, most exciting, saddest, happiest month of my life. It was nothing like I expected. And even though I'm still really raw and I'm still trying to make sense of it all... I wouldn't change any of it.

Read about Avey's nicu stay here.